Spam humour

Transferred from MySpace.

I’ve mentioned spam (and the fact that it so often amuses me) elsewhere on this site, and the latest batch of emails have not disappointed!

Well here are today’s spam extracts, and evidence of why a Thesaurus can be a dangerous (and to my mind, amusing) thing...

Take a look:
(alternatively, you could observe, perceive, distinguish, make out, notice, witness, spot, glimpse, catch sight of, catch a glimpse of, or set eyes on, instead – entirely up to you!)

• Your current position has been calculated to the compulsory agencies, and upon prudent thought, we are able to give to you the following prospect.
• Your case file has been discussed to the specific agencies, and upon precise contemplation, we are able to volunteer to you the following opportunity.
• Your current position has been contemplated to the specific parties, and upon conscientious forethought, we are able to offer to you the following opportunity.
• Your current case has been presented to the compulsory boards, and upon meticulous contemplation, we are able to extend to you the following opening offer.
• Your current position has been evaluated to the obligatory groups, and upon careful reflection, we are able to submit to you the ensuing opportunity.

What do you mean it's not funny?!

(...Humph..!)

Next time run the stupid thing over

Transferred from MySpace.



If you're bothering to read this, the chances are that you will already know about my run-in with a fire engine a month or so ago (many thanks to those of you who expressed concern whilst simultaneously stifling your laughter!).

After a month of pain, my broken ribs appear to have mended and I can now risk coughing, laughing and generally breathing without too much bother - but I wouldn't say I've exactly recovered.

Unfortunately the whole driving experience rather freaks me out these days, and to make matters worse, I don't even have to be driving to get freaked out.

If I'm in a vehicle with you, it's quite likely that at some point I will start shouting "Break! Break!" whilst pounding my right foot on some imaginary break pedal and simultaneously trying to push my whole body THROUGH the passenger seat and into the back of the car (i.e. away from the object of my terror).

For this I apologies to everyone I ever have to share a car with. I also apologise to those who have, since the accident, been forced to be a passenger in my own car. What can I say - I break a lot now, and usually harder than I mean to (understandable given the nature of the accident, but really...not helpful).

(...Didn't mean to put you through the windscreen. Sorry ol' chap...)

The simple fact is that since the accident, I seem to have acquired an almost morbid fear of lights. The flashing blue ones (that you find on say... oh, I don't know... FIRE ENGINES) are especially problematic, but I'm not good with break lights either.

But as I say, I also make a lousy passenger at the moment.

A few weeks ago I was in my best friends car - he's a good driver and I've always felt comfortable being in the car with him. On this particular day, we were heading down a country lane when 3 pheasants ran out in front of us...

One...
After...
Another...

He braked hard and swerved onto the other side of the road in order to avoid hitting them, and whilst it all happened very quickly, I had visions of us either spinning out of control and ending up in a ditch or (since we were on the other side of the road), being hit by the oncoming traffic. I'm not sure that my screaming "Don't crash, don't crash!" at the top of my voice was of much help, but fortunately we didn't and were safely back on track.

Phew!

Everything was fine.


...If you ignore the fact that I burst into tears and had to be consoled at the side of the road...


Guess it's not just the bones that need mending.